Went to school today thinking about grandpa and how he is now..and what's going to happen to grandma and when the funeral would be..Sat in the canteen and stoned there. Yesterday, it was numb..now everything's coming back to me..I had really wanted to break down there but..it wouldn't be nice to have red eyes when I'm up on the stage. So for the whole morning, I stoned and rotted and kept a straight face.

Got a necklace as a farewell gift from the teachers, they bought us a $150 chocolate cake.really nice..the reception was quite sweet, haha..it was only then that I cheered up. But..when I look at my council..I feel like a failure. Honestly..I'm just..a failure. I haven't done enough for my council and now I can't do anything about it..

Went down not too happily to celebrate Minfeng's and Cartan's birthday..so sorry if I spoiled your day..I couldn't be cheerful, it took me so much energy just to stop myself from breaking, it would take up too much energy to even smile and be happy and it wasn't even afternoon yet..had thought I would go home straight after singing the song but didn't since...I thought it wouldn't be nice to just leave straight after that. But I didn't eat a piece of cake, didn't feel like eating anything sweet. it'll just numb it all.

Talked to Mei Yi for like, half the afternoon and got some things off my shoulder..thanks girl for listening, I'm glad I'm not the only one facing the same situation..felt better now but it's coming back again. Haiz..what am I suppose to do to take this away? I really don't want to go to church all upset and stuff like that...

Sometimes I wonder why I chose to be close to some people and not others..I mean why? I could have had chosen some other people and not get hurt as easily as I am now. Why am I so so stupid just to go for someone who might not really care? Why can't I just accept those who are so enthusiastic to show their concern for me? Attention? Perhaps..I should just have lived my life by myself and not have any friends who would listen to me. Perhaps it's better to keep myself occupied by studying rather than by helping others. Perhaps I should have had done it that day..but I didn't. I wonder what stopped me from doing so that day. It's been what? 3 years? And I'm still thinking why I didn't take the action that day? It could have had ended everything, maybe that was the best decision then..I don't know.

I'm not thinking straight now. All I want to do now is to go somewhere where I can let off these stuff and know that no one can disturb me there..

I'm a hypocrite. I'm ironic. I'm a failure. I'm a fool. What more can I say?

- #67

//Sometimes I wish you had never entered my life. Sometimes I wish you would just leave me alone. Because you have taken so much of me, I don't seem to be able to live without you..I feel so weak..what have you done to me?//

"Do you think that I would cry on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like being alone?
I'll find someone new.
Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love.
Can you help me find a way to carry on again?"